College seniors everywhere dread it more than a losing football season: the job search. Crafting the perfect resume is eye-crossingly complicated, writing a pleasantly tantalizing cover letter is a snooze, and actually finding a job that interests you is a mammoth task in and of itself. So make it easy on yourself! If you don’t actually want to land a job, you’re in luck. Here are the Career Center’s official steps to miss out on the job opportunity you’ve been dreaming of.
Phase 1: Resume Rifts
1. ALWAYS trust spellcheck
When writing a resume for a job you DON’T want, it’s always best to consider spellcheck your best friend. Remember, spellcheck isn’t known for its accuracy, so you should feel totally comfortable letting it make sure any words in all caps are spelled correctly. Names, addresses, and business names are spellcheck’s worst nightmare, but it’s OK. You’re not in it to win this job, so just sit back, relax, and let spellcheck do the dirty work for you!
2. Submit a generic resume
If you really want your resume to land in the trash and it’s already littered with spelling and grammar mistakes, make sure you submit the same resume for every job you apply for. Why take the time to show the hiring manager why you’re perfect for the job when you can just let them decipher it for themselves? It’s their job to do the hiring, after all! Feel free to leave all your irrelevant experience on there, and really make them dig for the qualifications that matter. While you’re at it, go ahead and leave your high school jobs and clubs on there as well—the employer won’t care. (Pro tip: make sure your objective statement says something totally irrelevant to the job you’re applying for. If you’re applying for a job in nursing, say you’re interested in marketing! Who cares if your aspirations have changed!)
3. Jazz it up!
If you’re serious about missing out on your dream job, never forget to make your resume stand out from the competition... in all the wrong ways. Use all your favorite colors and fonts—feel free to mix and match them, too. You may even consider using different sizes for every line of text. This is your chance to express your individuality and creativity! If you’re really feeling saucy, be sure to add your favorite photo of yourself, whether it’s work appropriate or not. We suggest using photos taken with an iPhone 5 or older.
Phase 2: Cover Letter Confusion
4. Use a form letter
Applying for jobs is hard. Don’t waste your time slaving over a boring cover letter! Instead, run a Google search for cover letter generators. Then all you have to do is plug in the job information and voila! Now you have a cover letter ready to join your resume in the garbage. (Pro tip: have your salutation read, “To whom it may concern:” Employers will hate it!)
5. Write your autobiography
If you really don’t want the job, an alternative to using a scripted cover letter is to use it as an opportunity to tell the employer your life’s story. Make it several pages long—as long as you need for it to contain all your unnecessary stories and emotional baggage. Mention your long-lost childhood pet for best results. Feel free to use this as a chance to call out all your least favorite supervisors by name. That employer will never want to hire you!
6. Bore them to death
Hiring managers sometimes have to sift through hundreds of cover letters before they land on one that truly hooks them. To save them some time with yours, be sure to make it as bland and vague as possible. Don’t mention any previous experience or success that would make them interested in you. Simply tell them you found their job listing on Indeed, tell them you’re a results-driven, motivated worker and leave it at that. They’ll never give you another thought. (Pro tip: Accidentally send a cover letter you wrote for another job, and forget to change the names and company address! That will make their decision very easy.)
Phase 3: Interview Ignorance
7. Dress for comfort
If you somehow still managed to land an interview following all the previous steps, make sure to prepare for the results you want. Wear your favorite outfit, whether it’s that sparkly cocktail dress you wore to the club last weekend or the hole-ridden high school varsity football t-shirt and sweatpants. Avoid wearing professional dress at all costs! Skirts should be either inches above the knee or down to the ankles, shirts should be wrinkled and stained, and hair should be unkempt. It’s best to let your interviewer know how seriously you take this meeting as soon as you step in their door.
8. Show up late
… or not at all. The interviewer probably has several candidates to interview, but their time doesn’t matter to you. You’re doing them a favor by even showing up in the first place! So leave your house 10 minutes before the appointment and don’t give yourself any time to collect yourself in the lobby. Then when you finally show up, burst into the office and blame it on traffic.
9. Make yourself at home
Prop your feet up on the desk. Smack your gum. Twirl your hair. Blow your nose. Imagine you are binge-watching your favorite show on Netflix and assume that position in your interview. Bring a snack with you, and munch on it between answers. You want the hiring manager to be confident that you have no idea how to behave in a professional setting.
10. Let it all out
Now that you’re finally in the interview chair, this is your moment to shine. Be as open as possible and share all the personal details you can think of. Did your hair get stuck in the blow dryer this morning? Great! Tell them. Did you and your ex-girlfriend get into a screaming fight last night? Even better! Be sure not to spare any of the details. If a curse word escapes during your rants, don’t worry about it. You have no chance of being hired any way!
Written by Sarah Russell
DISCLAIMER: The information contained in this post is intended to be taken tongue-in-cheek and to provide directions for what not to do to present yourself professionally and successfully. Exercise these tips at your own risk.